Ray’s made up sister predicts that he’ll have six kids. To no one’s surprise Ray spawns just the right amount.
Book club:
Book club:
Fandom: Lemonade Mouth
The review:
The story was a fun read with its focus mainly on Ray and
his sister’s prediction.
Unlike other stories, Ray and Stella didn’t get together
until they both matured which was a nice change.
However, the shift wasn’t too
clearly felt as the story focused more on having the kids come into their lives
than the actual growth of the canon characters.
The kids themselves were interesting because they were
unpredictable and that was probably why I enjoyed reading about them. Transaction
of them ageing up could have been done more smoothly because if I had to read a
random section of the story and tell you how old they were and what the current
number of Yamada-Beech kids were in existence in that moment, I wouldn’t know.
One thing I didn’t
quite understand was why so many other OCs
had to be present.
Ray’s cousin Jack? He could’ve been replaced with Scott,
couldn’t he?
Judd? Maybe Wen or Charlie? Even Jules, Patty, Mo or Olivia
could’ve been Judd!
Johnson? (Who basically had no purpose) could have been
Kevin again.
(Just btw, I had to scroll up and down the story trying to
find these people’s names because if you count the kids, this story had more
than 10 original characters against the 2 canon characters. The odds are not in
your favor.)
In general, the tone was fun and engaging, but more juvenile
despite saying that Ray “matured”.
Brownie points: Interesting OCs
Health deductions:
Potty mouth – I’m not a prude, but when a story has more
than twenty swear words for every thousand words, you know Popeye needs to take
a seat.
Scene whiplash (ah! My face!) – For every scene change and
time shift, it’s usually done with “Anyway”, the lack of flow from scene to
scene just hits you.
Red pen level: 6/10
Problems with tenses and incorrect words used.
Consistent length of paragraphs which isn’t an offense, but
there’s a sense of monotony which doesn’t work with the tone of the story.
Characterization: 8/10
Takes place in the future so it’s hard to tell how much of
canon Ray is retained. Characterization for mature-him is entertaining, but I
could still identify canon Ray in his presentation.
Plot: 7/10
Basically proving Ray’s (OC) sister right and the premise is
interesting enough.
Overall: 7/10
Recommendation: Actually describing things without the
swearing and making me feel like I’m listening to some bratty teenager with all
his “whatevs” and “yo”s would be nice.
More canon characters would’ve been appreciated, if there
are going to be OCs, its best if there’s 1 OC for every 2 canon characters
because making your readers like your story and remember everyone’s role and
name in your fic requires going back and scrolling to check if they got
everyone down, is waste of time.
The attempt to distance the characters from their actual
timeline is understandable, but it’s far from convenient.
Have you read this
fanfiction? Do you think I got it right, or are we going to agree to disagree?
Review the fic in question or leave me a line below.
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