Book Club: My Little Pony: Friendship is Illogical by Rarity the Sewaddle

“Buttloads” of random characters end up going through a portal and turning into ponies. Yes. That’s it. So far.

Book club:

A review of the first chapter of My Little Pony: Friendship is Illogical by Rarity the Sewaddle

Fandom: Xover – My Little Pony x Pokemon

The review:

I came across this story on a Facebook page for Fanfiction, and since I’ve been on hiatus for awhile, I thought reviewing a story would be fun. I might have shot myself in the foot with an x-over (hint: don’t like them) and with a fandom I’m not familiar with (My Little Pony…seriously, it could’ve been anything really…).

And since it’s the first chapter, there’s not a lot to review except for the technicalities so the bare bones is where I’m going.

Note: There will be nitpicking.

•      Numbers should be spelt.
•       Proper paragraphing. Please.
•        Indicating a person is shouting doesn’t mean you have to CAPS LOCK it to hell. It’s okay really. We get it.
•       Punctuation. Verbs following the closed inverted commas should be in small for example:

“Stop it! You guys aren’t funny!” Exclaimed a new voice.

Should be:

“Stop it! You guys aren’t funny,” exclaimed a new voice.

Or:

“Stop it,” exclaimed a new voice, “you guys aren’t funny!”

Or:

A new voice exclaimed, “Stop it! You guys aren’t funny!”

Even if it is a writer's first story online, I still feel that what you learn in English class applies so I take no mercy when it comes to the structure of a story. Everything else is based on personal preference.

And now, said personal preferences.

The descriptions – there isn't anything memorable or interesting. Only for the character’s appearances and by that I mean what the ponies look like.

What the actual characters look like before isn’t really mentioned it’s simply assumed. Which wouldn’t be wrong considering people would be reading the story because:

• .      They enjoy My Little Pony and Pokemon so therefore have extensive knowledge on both fandoms.

And

• .      They enjoy the two together.  

Still, the extra description wouldn't do anyone too much harm.

There are also action descriptions like falling into the vortex, but it reads like a cliché. The transformation is alright, but it felt rushed.

I thought there would be more Pokemon to be honest. The fact that Ash had gotten Professor Oak to come and see him slip into the portal took nary a page. And the description about the chicken (I assume?) resembling an Eevee? His new form resembling a Ponyta? Superficial use of Pokemon-verse. It might be relevant as Ash is from the Pokemon universe, but it felt tacted on.

If maybe Ash was in a panic/excitement that he thought he was being turned into a Ponyta and he tried to do some sort of attack after his transformation was complete maybe I’d buy it…maybe.

The dialogue is stilted, there’s nothing natural about it. Scootaloo goes from calling Ash a jerk to “wanna be friends?” in the span of a single line.

Obviously I wasn't meant to like x-overs, but my preference stands. The reason being: bringing two (or more) universes together can be tricky and I personally see it as more work on both the author and the readers part to keep up with all the references, characters, setting, etc. This wasn't horrible, but I won't be reading any more x-overs any time soon.

Brownie points: An interesting premises. Maybe. I don’t usually read x-overs.

Health deductions:

He’s going…he’s going; he’s....lost.

Red pen level: 6/10

Punctuation. Paragraphing. 

And please don't shout things in CAPS. I know it's emphasis that the character is shouting, but it hurts my eyes.

Characterization: ?/10

I can only do this for Ash and nine year old him sounds about right…stupidly slipping in a vortex, being overly excited and eager…yes, sounds about right.

7/10

Plot: 0/10

Based on the first chapter, very little is actually established. The character goes through a vortex and becomes a pony. That’s great. And then? It’ll probably be answered in future chapters, but there isn’t any stakes raised or any other kind of plot mentioned.

Overall: 3/10

Recommendation:

Take your time: Describe the universes your characters were in before landing up in Evertree forest and becoming ponies. Describe how they feel and think vividly from their perspective when they transform, imagine having the senses of a pony and attribute it to how your character may or may not have trouble adapting to being something that they weren’t before.

Read dialogue out loud: Think about how you would have a conversation with someone you haven’t met before. You’re lost and confused. Answer from the character’s perspective. Bender, for example, would say something inappropriate or be losing his mind that he’s an animal and not a robot who runs on booze.

Make sense. Please. I still have no idea what the hell is happening, and I realize its only the first chapter, but I took a glance at the second and there’s just more characters rocking up…Princess Twilight can be interested in the human world, but WHY AND FOR WHAT, I’d love to know.

Have you read this fanfiction? Do you think I got it right, or are we going to agree to disagree? Review the fic in question or leave me a line below.