Book club - cinderella by envysparkler

Ray and Stella have a conversation on the stands of the soccer stadium one Sunday night. Apparently Stella’s an arsonist and Ray is sensitive.

Book club:

A review of cinderella by envysparkler

Fandom: Lemonade Mouth

The review:

I liked this story. No really.

It has elements of what makes a good story: description, characterization, natural dialogue, actual understanding of the language it’s written in. Seriously, I liked this story.

But I didn’t love it.

There was a lack of actual plot and if there was, I was missing it completely. It was too vague in terms of why Ray and Stella spoke that particular night.

Yes, it was stated that they often met at that time on that day of the week. And I loved that they had a “pseudo-friendship”, but how it came to be wasn’t explored or suggested.  There was an atmosphere of tension in the story, but that tension is never resolved.

“the recent weeks, she had more than enough motive to torch the school down”

That was a hook. But even if you caught readers there, you didn’t pull them in, and that’s where this story turned bad. It fails to answer: WHY.

The Cinderella bit for which the fanfic is named was pretty interesting in the way the analogy was used.Whatever it was (because it was vague) acted as the tower, Stella as the dragon, her heart as the princess and Ray as the prince. I found it slightly misplaced, however, as the conclusion.

Possibly the tone was too serious and though the dialogue flowed beautifully, it sort of alienated me as I read it, like I was eavesdropping on a conversation between friends – hearing things, but never understanding them.

The effect was successful in establishing a friendship between Ray and Stella, but the cause (the reason for this meeting and what they were speaking about) gets lost in translation.

cinderella failed to make a lasting connection, but if the story were continued, this chapter would be the perfect start to a mystery.

Brownie points: Dialogue I believe in! Characters-In-Character! Friendship bracelets! Character lovin'

Health deductions: Say wha…?

The “show don’t tell” rule only works when the readers actually know something concrete in the end. The relationship of the characters was highlighted at the end, but the cause and effect weren’t equal.

Red pen level: 10/10

Holy crap, you beta-ed the hell out of this thing!

Characterization: 9/10

Look too quick and readers will forget its fanfiction…

Plot: 0/10

I didn’t know what it was! (cries)

Overall: 6/10

Recommendation: Clarity is key. Keep it simple and work from there. Ensure a satisfying conclusion by making sure any issues brought up in the story is resolved somehow at the end. In this case, having Ray say, or having Stella know that she won’t be facing the fallout of her arson tendency by herself.

Have you read this fanfiction? Do you think I got it right, or are we going to agree to disagree? Review the fic in question or leave me a line below.