Book club - She doesn't Know by Aldia Carmichael

A guy and girl have some couple issues which could’ve been easily resolved if they’d communicated like they should’ve.

Book club:

A review of She doesn’t Know by Aldia Carmichael

Fandom: Card Captor Sakura

The review:

Look, this is one of those stories I might rage on, but probably not a lot. However, I far from enjoyed this story. It was tedious at best and here’s why:

The writing was blunt with simple sentence construction, not a big deal. But for a 3K story? NOOO.

Quick lesson: short, blunt sentences heighten tension so it is assumed that a climax of sorts is to happen in the near future, but it didn’t. Extremely short sentences that go on for any extended period of time with no variation of sentence length can create monotony and dullness if not used correctly. Don’t believe me? Read it aloud.   If you aren’t aiming for tension, sorry for you, you’re gonna get it.

There was a huge lack of depth and connection with the character, not once was the actual characters’ names even mentioned. No adjectives, no scene setting; the whole story was completely blank.

And dialogue? HAH! Not with this.

Everything that happened within the story was explained by the story, there was no subtly – no showing, only telling.

I’m sorry, but the conflict of this fanfic was that she didn’t know that he didn’t do the touchy-feely couple-dealy.

Good, okay, tell me why?

It’s understandable that some guys just aren’t into the whole affection thing.

But in the fanfic it stated that they were together for almost a year. Do you hear me? Almost a year. If he had such an issue with her touchy-feeliness, wouldn’t they have had some kind of conversation about it at some point? Or wouldn’t his ‘lack of enthusiasm’ be clear by then? Maybe she is just as dumb as nails.

I admit I was feeling for her in the beginning, here she was such a good girlfriend…loving, caring, wanting to plan his party and wish him happy birthday first, knowing his mother likes cooking…and here her boyfriend was:  unfeeling, dull, unresponsive…

I was actually really hoping this was gonna be one of those stories where he ‘moves on’ from Sakura, but he can’t recreate that feeling of intimacy with his new girlfriend because he isn’t as ‘over’ her as he likes to think.

But sadly no.

This story ended with cheese.

That ‘conflict’? Resolved with a snap of the fingers.

The part that actually ended the story for me was the fact that he didn’t miss her until he started getting 

bored.



Read that again. BORED. He started feeling lonely. He started missing her loving.

(This gif explains the rate at which this story collapsed on itself) 

And you know what?

HE SHOULD.

This whole thing was because she likes cuddles and he doesn’t, and to try and be angsty about it? NOT IN MY HOUSE (i.e: this blog).

Brownie points: Sad sack loved up female character, check.

She played her role well, I sympathized with her situation even if I thought her choosing not to speak to him was dumb…

Health deductions:

Character disconnect – none of the canon characters’ names were even mentioned. Role as the best friend, boyfriend, girlfriend, father? Yes we know, but how about describing them, giving them actual speaking roles, and maybe mentioning their names?

Fanfiction is about the characters and the situations people put them in, the situation is yours to play with, but don’t forget the characters in the process.

SO MUCH CHEESE – So much actual angst and drama could’ve come from this; it had the potential to be gut wrenching if I could actually feel connected to the characters in some way.

Language up – The writing is simple and being more descriptive would’ve greatly improved it. Also, PLEASE VARY THE SENTENCE LENGTH OMG IT DROVE ME CRAZY.

Red pen level: 9/10

Only because I WANTED SO MUCH MORE. I, as a reader, felt insulted that this story was written the way it was. Is the age restriction of the site 13 or 5? 

Characterization: 0/10

I didn’t recognize the characters at all….the roles I got. Best friends? Tomoyo and Eriol. He? Syaoron. She? Sakura. But description wise and behavior wise? They could’ve been empty, copy-paste insert-characters.

Plot: 5/10

As far as cheesy plots go, it wasn’t the worst, but still could’ve been SO MUCH BETTER

Overall: 5/10

Recommendation: Vary sentence length. Describe the characters and take the time to set up the story. DON’T FEAR THE ANGST!

Have you read this fanfiction? Do you think I got it right, or are we going to agree to disagree? Review the fic in question or leave me a line below.