Mirror, Mirror:
Limbo, a Bleach fanfiction
In which I reflect on a story I wrote which as a whole will be examined and reviewed for my personal growth. After all, no one's harder on me than me.
Limbo reviews
She isn't dead yet. But it certainly feels like it.
Bleach - Rated: K+ - English - Friendship/Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,639 - Reviews: 6 - Updated:8/3/2014 - Published: 8/3/2014 - [Ichigo K., Rukia K.] - Complete
So this isn't my first not-real romance (the first was Shadows of the sun) and it isn't particularly sad or anything like that, it's more a reflection. I admit the basis is pretty cheesy, the prompt was simply, "Describe the colour orange" probably from a popular tumblr question, "Describe the colour red without using the word red." It obviously isn't as genius as that, but I gave it a shot anyway.
Where she lay, bathed in theRereading that, if the sunlight was sparse than it implies that the sunlight that can reach her wouldn't be strong enough to make her feel warm. Though adding "white" helped in hindsight, light reflects on lighter surfaces but wouldn't be absorbed so it really wouldn't be warm...nice save past me!sparsesunlight that entered her white gilded cage, she didn't feel the warmth on her skin.
She could see it, and she knew it was there shining dimly before her face, but that was all.Rereading it, I could've mentioned that weird halo effect I (and I assume others) get when I close my eyes in front of a light, I just missed a chance at symbolism.
Rukia wondered at it, this lack of sensation. Was it a consequence of her confinement? She didn't have anyone to talk to, and the tower itself had nothing inside it besides her own body.From "She didn't have anyone to talk to..." sounds awkward, should have thought of a way to better phrase that.
Once she had listened the snap of the flags, but the sound had since silenced; static noise filling her world with only her heartbeat to disturb the stifling emptiness.Personally I liked that. High five past me.
Closed off from the familiar trill of spirit energy; the tower was surrounded but isolated preventing even the sounds of birds and the rustle of leaves as the wind blew. Perhaps without her notice, she had become accustomed to thesoundsnoise and her mind had simply deemed it unnecessary and blocked it from her notice. But that didn't explain why the sun didn't feel like anything against her skin.
The phrase in italics reads as too abruptly ended, but the fact that she's only thinking about hearing birds and leaves says a lot about where Rukia's priorities lie. Birds in flight and leaves in the wind = sense of freedom which she currently doesn't have so yay, symbolism!
The second "sounds" in the paragraph is distracting me though, probably the repetition, should've changed it to noise.
The last sentence (underlined) is from a post I read online, it was an assumption that when you're dying the last things to go are your sense of touch and your sense of smell, taste goes first and then sight; though that's just from that one article while others claim a completely different combination. But I'll stick with the touch last so possible symbolism?
On days that she would lay for hours, she'd burn and sweat. On days that she didn't lie until the very last minute, the ground would be hot and her back would sizzle while the other half of her body would be half frozen, her skin as pale and as white as the floors and walls surrounding her.When she lies down she burns...could've elaborated more or threw in some prose for imagery, but it gets to the point, the fact that there's more description towards the latter shows which actually holds the most consequences. (Feeling it all or feeling only some of it while at the same time feeling like she's fading into her surroundings) <--- I was unintentionally, surprisingly deep. Personal opinion - the only person whose going to love me more is me.
Right now, it should've been the first.Abrupt. But it goes to the point and hopefully brings more impact to what I previously reflected about the proceeding paragraph.
Since she had woken (though she couldn't remember when she had fallen asleep), she had been there waiting to bake and boil.Further elaboration on the proceeding paragraph. I don't know how I was writing any of this to be perfectly honest, now that I'm reflecting on it, I think it's pretty cool...
It seemed that during her isolation she had adopted a masochist attitude, her desire to sense anything at all was overwhelming; to feel was to live and to live was all she wanted.
The sun – setting, rising, she couldn't tellRepetitive. Could have impact, but could have easily lost it too. (Note to self: use with caution)– sat atop her face, a yellow glow behind her closed lids.
It used to calm her; getting to bathe in the sunny smile of a dying star. It was the affectionate touch of someone familiar, someone that loved her, someone that comforted her; it was a touch that said, "You're safe".
Maybe that was why it didn't surprise her then that she couldn't feel it here.Last line, lost the tone.
She wasn't safe.
In this building. In Soul Society. Anywhere really.
Her chest grew heavy and she sighed to ease it.I'm catching some tenses getting mixed up, grammar isn't my strong suit so I either get better or get a beta. I noticed with my other slightly angsty-not-really-a-romance stories that I jumble my tenses more often, though I'm not sure if its the genre or just the way my brain is working.
Ever since that fateful night, she knew she would never be safe. For two months, it was simply limbo, a waiting game; a matter of 'when' rather than 'if'. The danger was always there, not just for her, but for Ichigo too…The reminder of him is immediately followed by a flash of orange.Italics, too abrupt - tone still missing.
It's the color of warmth – not the flowery, superficial warmth of yellow or the intensity to burn like red, but enough to feel the heat without the fear of being destroyed in the process. Orange was a balance; it was delicate and required consistency at all costs. He epitomized that. Superficial in his pretenses as much as she was in hers, but passionate in a way that she could never hope to be.I think I found the tone again, and its blending with nostalgia, doesn't feel too awkward but that could just be me.
He liked to pretend that he didn't care about anyone or anything; that he really was some punk who liked to cause trouble. But he would die to save his sisters, put his life in danger for his friends; and was consistent in his scolding of her stupidity.
The thought pulled at the corner of her lips.
It was always half his fault at the least.
Despite the fact that he always rushed in like a hero and walk out like one, he'd always sit on his bed pouting at the end of it, apparently not satisfied with saving the day.As someone pointed out in the Facebook Group (I think it was Gems, though I may be giving undue credit haha) that this particular sentence was awkward, I did try and fix it with the edit and I'm slightly happier but can't tell if its still uncomfortable to read.
As she healed the little she could, she remembered asking him once, rather annoyed, why he had the gall to be upset – did he want to go walking around bleeding a gallon of blood onto his favorite shirt?The tone goes missing near the end, but it can be attributed to her getting caught up in her memories of him.
"It's just," he paused with a scowl as he glared petulantly through her, his hands twisting fitfully on either side of him, "you're always saving me."I've made Ichigo sound a little childish here, which was the point, but a part of me feels its a little too open for Ichigo to admit it. So.CREATIVE LICENSE POWERS ACTIVATE.
"Of course, if you need saving then I'll do it, there's nothing wrong with that. We're partners remember?" Unconsciously rougher than before as if to punish him for being stupid, she made sure he was looking her in the eye as she reminded innocently,May have been too insistent with the image I wanted the readers to have, stopping at "she reminded him innocently" would have sufficed without the overload.to the point that she almost sounded mournful, "If you die, whose going to feed me then?"
His scowl deepened, but the lingering look – worry, anguish? – banished, and the rain that Inoue romantically used to describe his sadness, was no longer there.It's only a slightly there romance like Shadows of the sun so of course Rukia's brushing away any possible romantic feelings aside, plus its Rukia, she and Ichigo are pretty dense (or maybe it's just Rukia, I forget).
It was times like that, even when they continued to argue, that she could feel the glimpse of the sun against her cheeks, though it was probably because she was shouting herself hoarse at him.
But orange wasn't just about passion and balance, it was the color of citrus fruit: sometimes sweet and sometimes sour.Again, the change is abrupt (Note to self: Work on transitions).It described his mood, his behavior perfectly.On the surface, he's always sour.
Also, saying too much is distracting and gives too much away.
Because he's surrounded by idiots: His dad, his friends, his teachers, school, a certain teddy bear mod soul, a crazy girl living in his closet. Sour. Sour. Sour. It's his default.Repetition during the italics was better, it gave some impact, but could have been too much considering Karin and Yuzu weren't mentioned other than here.
With his sisters though, he's sweet.
He'd never do anything to hurt them, he'd never let anyone hurt them; and he'd do anything for them. With Inoue he was sweet, though tangy was more suitable – he actually didn't like scaring people, least of all innocent, well-meaning girls like Inoue Orihime. But he wasn't sweet in the same way he was with his sisters, it was about the same way he acted around scared pluses. To his credit, he had a way with them – especially the deceased children. Not that he'd ever really admit it.
She knew it the first time with that little girl he brought flowers for in the morning, the one who was frightened off by some fools on their skateboards.CREATIVE LICENSE, I know she didn't see it, but that was the only example I could think of at the top of my head.
Ichigo had protected her and defended her, something Rukia doubted few people did for total strangers, least of all, dead ones.
Come to think of it, he's actually a big softie.
The last sentence shows how much she's gotten used to the modern world thanks to Ichigo even if it would be uncharacteristic coming out of her mouth (unless she was pretending to be the sweet, normal school girl Kuchiki Rukia which, guess what Brain? HIGH FIVE!)
"Shuddup," he barked, arms crossed and looking away with a tick on his forehead.No secret that Ichigo doesn't help with her cover, could have executed that a bit better though...
Standing beside him, she giggled girlishly. "Oh don't be embarrassed Kurosaki-kun!"
"Would you-just-urgh! Stop using that voice!"
Holding her cheeks, and shaking herself side to side, she faked a swoon. But no one really noticed, they were too busy staring at Ichigo and whispering amongst themselves.
Normally she wouldn't want to put too much attention on herself and by extension him, but he deserved it for making her "sweet, innocent Kuchiki" mask hard to put on yesterday. Why he insisted on pushing her buttons, she had no idea.
Besides, it wasn't all her doing. Ichigo had raised enough attention on his own.Personally liked this little snippet the most because I got to show her getting under Ichigo's skin which very few people can do (when fighting isn't involved).
He did, after all, just save some poor kid from getting run over.
"Oh Kurosaki-kun," she continued to croon, "you'll save me too if that ever happens, riiight?"
His face reddened further before he grabbed her by the elbow to drag her away. "Shuddup, we're going to be late for class."
"Ohhh thank you Kurosaki-kun, for saving me from being tardy~"
Thinking on it now, she swore that she lived for his scowls. Though, "lived" may be too strong a word.Get it? 'Coz she's dead? HA-HA.
She had heard silly notions of how she "saved" him. Yes, she kind of did that night they first met, but she wouldn't have had to involve him in the first place if she had handled it quicker. And "making the rain stop" was never her intention, though admittedly if she could lighten his burdens she would. Still, if you asked Inoue or Tatsuki, they would say that she stopped that rain in him, made the sun shine again.I'd hate the idea that someone I cared about had it rough. I know everyone's had issues and problems they faced to get to where they are, but most of the time we're quite ignorant of what has happened in another person's past so yeah, that was me projecting...
The idea though was distressing.
Was his rain similar to her cloudy day, when he couldn't feel anything and everything around him was nothing but static noise, feeling like limbo?Entire question felt weird to me. I was told by Zadien that she particularly liked this line, and obviously I liked the imagery it brought with it but I could have worded it a bit better.
She hoped not, that wouldn't be a very good way to describe orange; orange was supposed to be stable – the safe color of a growing flame. It wasn't meant to die down; it was supposed to grow stronger – brighter, but it would be squished beneath the heel of a captain or lieutenant if Ichigo was still in Soul Society.I wanted to emphasis how even though she was the one being executed, she was more worried for him than for herself. I can actually see her frowning at the very thought in the end.
Orange, to her, was a person:Hey paragraph from way back when, I see you!Sunkissedtanned skin, brown eyes, orange hair. It was a person she had grown dependent on: to carry out her duties, to live a seemingly normal life, to show her how the modern world worked. He was orange – reliable, stable.
I wanted to avoid any adjectives at this point besides the "sunkissed" part though it may have been a mistake and I should've just said "tanned" instead because without having to explain, the colors themselves make me think of being warm.
Death Gods were beautiful,The "Death Gods are beautiful" line was inspired by one of my favorite IchiRuki one-shots called You know it really helped to ease the transition a bit.pointit was a known fact. And even as a substitute, he was certainly handsome. At just fifteen he had the determination, strength and courage to show up most of the official shinigami in Soul Society. Those traits defined orange to her: undeterred, unwavering and unbroken.
Orange was an emotion.And that's it! I really liked the end, which I make my goal to ensure doesn't suck too much because its usually the last thing anyone will read because most people ignore author's notes (sniff).
A tremor shook the earth, and her eyes opened just as a wall of the tower collapsed, the dust rising as a single figure stood in its ruins.
She knew that spiky hair anywhere.
In those brief seconds that her mind was processing him standing there, still breathing and having the audacity to smirk at her dumbfounded expression.
Warmth settled on her skin, and she was alive again.
"Ichigo."
Anyway, my overall impression of my work:
I'm relatively happy, my tenses though need work across the board and my transitions could be smoother. There's also the issue of my repetitiveness which can be an impact or a deterrent so I just need to pay attention. Otherwise, I'm impressed since I definitely didn't notice any of the symbolism when I was writing the story nor did I feel as connected to it as I do now that I analysed it like I did. Still, there's room for improvement. If I write a similar fic or one on similar grounds, I'll do a comparison and see if I've actually addressed these issues.
Guest chapter 4 . 
