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| Story | Review Date | Story Updated |
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| @Love's Flaming Fire, Ch 1 | 1/2/15 | 9/15/13 |
Unfortunately (or not) I'm unfamiliar with both fandoms so it seemed a pretty seamless blend to me.
The first paragraph went a bit all over the place for me. First Sully's walking, and then he thinks about his daughter and how they couldn't spend time together because she had to return to the hospital. THEN. You mention Andrew and Michaela are treating Elizabeth, and then go from talking about Colleen to talking about Michaela.
It feels abrupt.
If you went from how proud Sully is that Colleen turned out so well because of her mother/because of Michaela,for example, it would be easy to follow the train of thought.
Dealing with why it is he's thinking about Michaela also wasn't too clearly answered. I don't know who Elizabeth is until a bit later on (lack of fandom knowledge most likely), but since you mention Elizabeth, don't skip Sully being worried about Michaela because it's her mother that she's treating: it answers the question without throwing too many names in. The kind of pressure and stress Michaela would be under would give Sully (and me) enough reason to think about (and connect to) her throughout the story.
The next paragraph about Boston itself is also a rather abrupt change in topic and it feels almost random, interrupting the flow of the story. It gets a bit more frustrating since you go back from Michaela to Colleen. Perhaps moving the paragraph about how he's dressed and why could be shifted to when Colleen is first introduced.
Since the story is focused on a person rather than a particular event, it's important that the reader doesn't get confused about who the story is about which is happening right now with all the jumping back and forth.
You've also made three references to Sully just "lookin'": Once in dialogue, another in action immediately after that and the last after the store owner speaks to him. It's a bit repetitive. If, immediately after Sully speaks, he takes a look around just to take stock of his surroundings, it would've been a different thing for him to do rather than saying/doing "I'm just looking".
The readings were interesting, and I liked that he immediately took to thinking about Michaela. It would've been even better if he likened some specific experiences in reference rather than just brief mentions that way it would feel a less like telling-and-not-showing.
Beyond that, Sully's conversation with Robert reads too rehearsed. I don't know if it's just Sully's nature, but saying he's from Colorado and that his wife is from Boston seems explanatory enough for friendly conversation (him being from New York and moving out west feels like unnecessary information).
I notice, now that more dialogue is involved, that you tend to tag whoever is speaking literally after they speak. Sully said this. Robert seemed impressed. Sully chuckled. Take a break from the tags every now and again, there's only two people in the conversation after all and it's not that likely that readers will be confused about who is speaking.
I didn't quite get the last bit when Robert recognizes who Sully is. Probably fandom knowledge, so I won't comment on it.
This story is several months back so I think by now you may have already addressed some of the problems I've mentioned, but hey, reviewsss!
And speaking of, horray, you reached the end of this one xD Don't know if you still want a few more reviews like this so I'll let it be for now. Happy writing. |
| @Fire Without a Spark: A Guide to Panem, Ch 1 | 1/2/15 | 1/1/15 |
Wanting to write out observations of the districts, it's cultures and diversity is an interesting task - is it hobby of Junichi's or is there another reason? This was an open door for character development: Tell me why he's doing it. It can't just be because he wants someone to read it one day, what would be the point of that? Is it just because he had interesting encounters, wanted to share what he knew (to what end?) or because it plays a part of his memoirs? WHAAAAT ISSS ITTT? *frustrated*
I liked that you really looked at the districts - whether they were happy, what industry they thrived in, their relationship to the Capitol, the people that lived in them.
BUT. You've been telling us things readers of the Hunger Games should already know (or at least already have an idea of). There's very little new information, and it's all written impersonally. There's no individual touch to any of the analyzing. His humor peaked a few times, but not enough that the account read like anything less than a textbook.
"Guide" books have a way of sounding interesting, they have to otherwise no one would read them - one of the reasons people trust guidebooks is because they make the reader feel like they can trust the author because:
A) The author has experienced it
and
B) Because the author is sharing information and knowledge that is unique to their position.
I don't really get that from this story.
The character voice lacks empathy when it talks about bombs going off, starvation, rioting crowds - as if seeing from the outside. And yes to a degree, they are, but Junichi talks about things happening, not necessarily the individuals experiencing it - surely he would've run into a few people. How about his meetings with the tributes? The random people of the districts? The Peacekeepers? He doesn't even need to speak to them! So far observing seems to be his strong suit, why doesn't he observe the characters he comes across?
You give me figures and blank faces, and it all means nothing to me. The narrative does nothing for me. And that's a problem.
With any story, guide or not, making the reader care or at least be interested in the narrative or the subject is key to having a story, and unfortunately I didn't get that from this.
Apologies for the slight rage.
You've got the English language down, punctuation, paragraphing and all. You definitely know your fandom, no question about it. But the fact that you've got all of this down rages meeeeeeeeeeeeee and I'm not sorry x_x |
| @Worth the Wait, Ch 1 | 1/2/15 | 11/6/11 |
It's unfortunate that I'm not more familiar with the fandom, but thankfully Wikipedia was very helpful in filing in my points of confusion.
I think this is the gap after Kate goes to the restaurant and Alex doesn't show up, yes? I'm not sure how much you've altered from the original, but from the little I know (thank you Wiki) it doesn't seem like too much...
I liked how you focused on Kate moving on, trying to rationalize how she felt about choosing to almost settle for Morgan when she was still in love with Alex. I think I would have enjoyed it a bit more if you expanded a bit on how Kate moved on and may have struggled along the way - resisting the urge to write a letter, checking the mailbox, etc because it reads as her "moving on" in roughly two paragraphs before being thrown back in to where the movie picked up from.
There was definitely tension when everything fell into place for her, but again, I would've liked to experience it in some way. For example she could have been looking at the drawing and sort of "seeing" the pieces fall into place (if that makes sense).
My main problem (besides it sounding very close to what I read on Wiki besides the addition of Morgan) was that there was a lot of telling and not enough showing.
This story is a few years old so I don't think you have this problem anymore, but hey, you wanted the review xD |
| @One Light, Ch 1 | 1/2/15 | 8/21/10 |
That was...wow...You managed to deal with such a big loss so sensitively and with as much understanding as you could in the places of Raphael, April and even Casey. I can't even begin to think about something so heartbreaking, but what sold me was that not everyone was unscathed: Raphael was harsh towards Casey, Casey unwilling to keep on fighting and April barely holding on as is. It isn't a pretty picture and I liked how it was contrasted by the festive season.
I wasn't as happy with the one year jump, but at the same time I thought it was deserved considering the holiday season. Though it did take away from all the angst and build up before that time.
Overall though, the story was well written and I enjoyed it. Thanks! |
| @Just Some Fresh Air, Ch 1 | 1/2/15 | 9/11/13 |
So I skimmed the story and noticed that some words are randomly capitalized - perhaps due to a missing full stop. I also noted a few repetitive use of "Minerva asked" and "Abigail said" so perhaps vary when you indicate when a person is speaking. Otherwise, that, at a glance is all that stuck out to me.
The story itself is simply told. Romantic - fluffy almost.
As beautiful as Neville's discovery was, his presentation to Abigail and the what it meant for him to show her his discover was sweet, I felt "meh" about it. Don't get me wrong, the flowers, what makes them unique and how Neville had come to find them and take care of them were well done, but the part about Abigail made it all seem..dull almost.
Perhaps it's because I know nothing about Abigail just that she's the DADA professor, married to Neville, constantly late and has a nice smile. I don't know anything about her as a person. Not that I need her life story, just a personal touch to how she sees and experiences things as the DADA professor at Hogwarts.
Building the perspective of the narrative character is important because they set the tone for the rest of the story and Abigail felt almost lifeless. That for me, made the story sink.
Don't get me wrong, the idea was interesting, the writing itself was fine, but you need to develop your voice as an author and be able to lend that voice to the characters you create - it's a difficult task mind you, but achieving it will enable your story to stand out against the rest.
Good luck! |
| @The Chi of the Chief, Ch 1 | 1/1/15 | 7/26/12 |
Yay, I know this fandom!
I liked the use of chi to locate people - or in particular how the chief used in search of Po.
However, though this story is categorized in Spiritual, there were very little spiritual aspects of it besides the chi. Yes, he has been using it almost every day in search of his son, but how he searches for Po using the chi is relegated to a single paragraph. I did appreciate how he saw other people's chis though (it's a vague picture in my mind, but it's there).
I'm very curious about how he gets into a state of meditation to search through the different chis for one in particular. I think it would've been interesting to delve a little deeper in that respect instead of using four paragraphs almost consecutively to talk about how the villagers no longer believed that his son was alive. It was interesting to know about their perspective in the chief's daily task, but their perspective isn't as important as chief himself, yes?
In this case I think a bit of purple prose would have helped the story along nicely in particular describing the sensation of searching through the different energies of people because it just feels like a magic power that anyone can do at will (kind of like how in Dragon Ball almost everyone that can fight can sense ki).
Word choice wise there's a constant use of chi. Understandable considering the topic. But there have been many names to refer to it "life energy" being one. Perhaps you may have avoided using other names to prevent confusion, but if you described it in a similar fashion I think it could have been avoided anyway.
Despite it being a spiritual story I didn't feel all that connected to one of the most spiritual things about this story - the chi search or the chief's plight to find his son. It all feels like you're telling me instead of showing me.
It was an interesting concept though so thank you for directing it my way :) |
| @Devotion is the key to Survival, Ch 1 | 1/1/15 | 11/10/13 |
The first paragraph is a constant "Rick" this "Jenner" that, perhaps try to replace some of the proper nouns next time in order to stop everything in the paragraph from sounding repetitive.
Perhaps it's because I'm not familiar with the Walking Dead fandom, but I don't see what Jenner's relationship to Rick is. Obviously it would be fandom knowledge, but in this case I don't understand at all why Jenner is thinking about him or his group. Yes, he compares Rick and the group's devotion to his own devotion of his job and wife, but I'm struggling to connect with Jenner's character as well as what he thinks of Rick.
Also, even though it's the name of the story and the central theme, I feel like all you did was tell me about how devoted these people are rather than showed me.
Mentioning Jenner's wife and all that sad back story didn't do much for me because its told in the same fashion as one would how many spoons of sugar they take. There's no emotion to the reminder.
Sometimes setting can be avoided in some manner in short stories, but the problem with doing that is the story lacks tone. Maybe if you set the scene a bit more I'd feel compelled to understand the reason Jenner thinks about Rick besides being told directly by the author.
I don't think this story was written for New Year's so I have to wonder why they're watching the clock. The reason is probably fandom related, but I don't understand the significance of waiting until zero and that takes away from even more tension in the story.
I would probably have enjoyed this more had I known more about the Walking Dead, but even then the lack of emotion and the telling-not-showing makes it difficult for me to be satisfied. |
| @The Way I Loved You, Ch 1 | 1/1/15 | 4/12/12 |
Sigh, and here I thought I'd get to sail my ship once more. Damn.
I like the stand you took on their relationship. More than friends, less than lovers.
Don't get me wrong, I'm still going to fly that Zutara flag high, but this new perspective does help me to understand why Kaatang was canon. The take on their friendship was appreciated and a nice break from the shipping war stories I come across sometimes.
However, something did bother me. It may just be preference, but the story telling feels very blunt if I can put it like that. As if you're simply telling me what's happening rather than showing me. I also get the weird vibe that you're holding back on the feels, and trust me, there would be feels aplenty for something like this.
To quote: "One day you'll meet someone you'll love beyond comparison, and one day you'll realize the harsh reality of never getting to be with them".
Though that was probably because you weren't going the romance route and I'm just a disappointed fangirl.
But, sigh, can't win 'em all. Nonetheless, I really enjoyed this. Good job :) |
| @The Words of Fools, Ch 1 | 1/1/15 | 12/29/14 |
I think one of the hardest parts for kids that have been bullied is to admit they're being bullied mainly because they're afraid of what another person will say - the chance of being rejected again seems too hard to bare...
I'm glad David turned to his parents instead of away, having someone force you to listen, in a way, is what he needed.
I'm glad I read this by the way, I've stayed away from the #ForAdam stories because I've been both the bullied and the bully, and it doesn't bring up happy feelings in me regardless (though I doubt that was the point). In any case, this story did a lot in dealing with a problem a lot of people have while at the same time making sense in the context of your story so that was really well done.
Thank you! |
| @Living Vicariously, Ch 1 | 1/1/15 | 3/30/14 |
OH MY SOUL.
For a second I was like "what...the hell am I...NONONONONONO!" And then you hit me with Mariam and all was right with the world ah!
This was genius, well and truly. I haven't seen something this clever in awhile, and I think the only reason it isn't as popular as it deserves is because you have an unfortunate amount of Mary Susannes walking around - you have my pity.
Multiple eye colours. Astounding beauty. All the boys drooling. Sigh, the life of a boy-crazy fangirl obsessed with her fictional love interests.
I envy your writing ability, you got out all the rant with just the right amount of example-like snark. I can't wait to see what your Gajevy story will look like ;) |
| @FAGE 007: I Feel Your Pain, Ch 1 | 1/1/15 | 11/17/14 |
Reading the summary I was under the impression that this was Bella/Jasper, and I'm quite glad it's not.
I liked how you portrayed Jasper as responsible, and wanting to do something, because that's how I imagine Jasper to be. It's bothered me somewhat that he didn't do so in the source, but hey, that is what fanfiction is for.
I also enjoyed how you touched on Jasper and Alice's relationship without overshadowing what the story is about. Considering other portrayals of the pair, I think yours is one of the view I actually don't mind reading about (hint hint Alice/Jasper fanfic pleeeasssee?)
You also showed the extent of which Alice and Jasper would go for Bella. If not for Edward, then because they see her as a friend and actually want to help her, again, not something I usually come across reading Twilight fic.
Anyway, enough of my rambling. I really did like this and I hope you write more, just don't make me cry like you did with your Bones stories xD |
| @Things Left Unspoken, Ch 1 | 1/1/15 | 8/4/14 |
Wow...I'm not familiar with the fandom (at all) and yet...I feel so...connected by what you've just written and I...
Dear Lord, what have you done to me x_x
That was beautiful, don't get me wrong, I'm in awe actually. It's lyrical and filled with imagery, but without overloading or feeling forced and that's quite a feat. I enjoyed this immensely!
No dialogue (which is my weakness), and you've succeeded in wooing me tremendously. Wow. Just wow. And that ending, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME.
If I can say anything to help you, it is the summary: Adding "full summary" inside is unnecessary. I would've read it with what you've given.
Amazing work! |
| @Ignis Aurum Probat, Ch 1 | 1/1/15 | 1/1/15 |
I really enjoyed the prologue. However, I think directly comparing obstacles to fire would have been easier to imagine then to a dragon because you would later mention fire being used to test gold and I still have the image of a dragon in my head.
You did ask a lot of interesting questions though in particular to what happens if one cannot defeat their monster (which could've been "dragon" instead because that image is still there) and that's a very interesting concept to want to explore.
When you mention the gold analogy, it feels like it comes out of nowhere. I don't know if alchemy and the character's knowledge of fire being used to test gold is in fandom, but I think it could have been expressed a bit more elegantly so that it interconnected with what you mentioned about obstacles and dragons.
If you asked me what I thought of when you place the imagery of dragons and gold in my head, I think of treasure hunting. But you aren't talking about that, now are you, so it's a bit confusing since you deal with so many elements.
Moving on..
There are several walls of texts. Granted they're mostly related, but some can be split into smaller paragraphs.
When you introduce Vaan you say he's excited. One paragraph.
Then you tell me why. Another paragraph.
It may just be personal preference, but when a paragraph looks bit daunting it's easier for readers to stomach if they get the information in chunks.
You also mentioned the setting briefly with the sand dunes and such, but I have little idea where it is I actually am. Is it outside a city? Is there anyone else there but the wolves? You spent a single sentence describing the landscape which is fine, but considering there are cliffs and such, and Vaan is moving from dunes everywhere to being on top of a cliff, my sense of time and direction is a bit muddled.
He also doesn't seem to search too long. Despite his excitement in the beginning, he's suddenly impatient. As I said, my sense of time is confused - I don't know how long he's been looking - was he being very diligent and genuinely got tired (from hours of hard work/the heat of the desert) or did he think this job was all excitement and got impatient that it hasn't been all that exciting at all? Or both? You aren't giving me a lot to go on here from a reader perspective.
I think you may have missed a comedic opportunity with the confrontation of Vaan and the Rogue Tomato. But if you don't do humor, please ignore this.
What happened to the Rogue Tomato after he knocked it out by the way? What do you mean by "subdue"?
The break to see the flowers and get lost in a bit of foreshadowing back story wasn't too badly done, however, I did feel like it was a "Hey, see what I did there?" flag. It isn't bad mind you, but I think you might've gotten the same impact had you said that the flowers caught his attention, made him feel nostalgic and lost in thought before the next piece of action happens.
The unnamed woman was...annoying. Honestly. The shouting, the CAPS lock abuse. No. I don't...No. She was my least favorite part of this. I think I would have respected her a bit more if I had an actual "visual" on her. The way she stands, narrows her eyes, tilts her head, etc. build a full picture of what you want to portray her as. Having her shouting and calling people idiots doesn't do much for me other than "she has anger issues". Perhaps I'm being too harsh considering there's very little I know about her as of yet. I did like how she tells Vaan it's foolish to give his name so easily though because it shows she's not naive and isn't going to trust just as anyone (even with something as simple as a name).
I don't know how your other chapters too, but I really hope you let the characters breath a bit and not throw them into action after action - there's very little I could discern from when they were fighting. Also, I hope you take your time, there's nothing wrong with moving a little slowly to set things up: everything feels like stuff is happening, and that's good, but I don't know why it's happening or why I should care that it's happening.
Okay, enough of my rambles. You've got a good foundation so far regardless of my criticisms so I hope you carry on :) |
| @Changing Fate Together, Ch 1 | 1/1/15 | 12/31/14 |
Short: Agreed. Sweet: Oh, but how cruel xD
I think there may have been a bit of a word mix up, "tome" is a book, is Laurent carrying "tomes" as in "books"? (Not part of the fandom, sorry *hides*), wouldn't that be a bit...strange? If it is indeed part of hisarsenal (or I have the wrong meaning of the word), perhaps expand on how it is they're carrying it, what the importance of it is and in turn give me to understand the gravity of the situation he is riding into. At this point I just thought that they had a bit of a tiff and he's storming off to read a book angrily (cough).
Moving on.
It is, as you said, very short. I know you might have wanted to add tension by doing this, but don't be shy about descriptions. This chapter is missing a lot of tension, and goes from one action and emotion to another, it doesn't feel connected very well...
Another thing, the waking-from-dream thing was a bit too abrupt. On my phone I couldn't see the line break, and was very confused by the sudden shift (would you believe I can't see italics either?). May I suggest taking full advantage of Lucina's emotions? She's just dreamed up something terrifying, the death of someone important to her, I want to feel to some degree how she felt.
Also, she's just woken from a nightmare, waking up in the dark you'd think she'd feel a bit more disorientated, confused, yes? Lucina went from "GASP I'M AWAKE" to "Oh...it was a dream..."
You did leave quite a cliffhanger there regardless so I hope the next chapter comes out soon for your faithful readers' sake. Happy writing! |
| @A Consquence of an Unfortunate Prank, Ch 1 | 1/1/15 | 12/18/14 |
I really like the image you've set up of a happy family enjoying the holiday with their tradition of the family picture and their festive jumpers. I also enjoyed the slight parallel Hermione made with the Victoire, Fleur and Dom and the Series of Unfortunate Events, however, shallow.
Having said that, the shallow part is what bothered me. This oneshot could've been expanded quite nicely to include further parallels drawn between the three Veelas throughout the years that Hermione had witnessed them grow.
I did enjoy the lightheartedness of this story though so good job :) |
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