Author says: When I have to raise the white flag

In the ten years now that I've been writing fanfiction, I've written and deleted more stories then I can even remember. Posted on the site however...If you were to ask how many, what names, which fandoms, I could probably tell you because deleting a story/taking it down for whatever reason can be pretty embarrassing.

It's kind of like stringing people along - baiting them with this wonderful idea, and then telling them, "Hey, joke's on you, I'm not actually going to write this anymore!"

And I hate it when that happens.

I've been reading fanfic as long as I've been writing it so I've been lured into incomplete stories before. Years have gone by and nothing.

The worst is not knowing when a story hasn't been updated in a while, and you reach the last of the story so far and you hope that in a week/month/year it'll continue...and then you check the last update and your heart falters - TWO YEARS AGO. SERIOUSLY.

I think that's why I prefer to delete rather then leaving them there to linger...

If there was an option between incomplete and complete, perhaps labeled "hiatus" or "abandoned", it would be a different story. But considering my reasons for not continuing stories in the first place, there's a chance I wouldn't even use those...

Real life problems aside, I'm a very sensitive person.

Sure I can take criticism from others, but when it comes to my own? Hoo boy, there's no competition there.

I've always been pretty self conscious about my stories, they're an extension of myself: my self-conscious, behavior, thought process. Unfortunately as most of my stories are driven by the plotbunnies, it's usually a jumbled mess.

In the past that's why I rarely ever finished a story, in fact, Sibling Intervention was my first one, and even then I wasn't completely satisfied.

The reasons for that was simply because upon rereading, my head hurt.

There was pacing problems, characters that should have had bigger roles were sidelined, scenes lingered unnecessarily, there was all this build up and no pay off and I had words upon words. If I had written that for NaNo I would've finished with weeks to spare because that's how bloated I thought it was and it still wasn't going anywhere.

The reason for Permission Granted getting the fanfiction erase button was just as simple.

Despite the story only being two(three) chapters in, I felt lost.

It was likely because as the readers hoped, I continued a story that I hadn't thought further than the first chapter for.

Sure Liberties Taken was satisfying to a degree, but as one of the reviewers said, it had a comfortable amount of potential to be left on its own. Though I felt the same, I ignored it. Why?

Well for one thing, the reviews for the story was amazing. Liberties Taken has, since today, hit 51 reviews. I've never had that many for a single one-shot. And, though Permission Granted was only two chapters in, it had hit the same amount fairly quickly.

And as a writer, feedback is my drug. I need that ish.

If you're a writer of any kind you know you want someone to talk to you about your work, it's the best feeling - it means someone has read it, spent time on it and thought about it enough to voice an opinion over it. The only way to get it though was with a good story so that's how my stories become my dealers.

What I needed though, was a redo if I wanted this story to be satisfying not only to read, but to write as well.

I didn't want to be using half baked ideas and suffering the same problems as Sibling Intervention.

After sitting with it for awhile whilst NaNo is happening (which I'm not sure I'll continue considering the problems I can already foresee), I had an idea of what I wanted to do with Liberties Taken. Unfortunately it required a bit of a face lift which simple editing just would not fix.

Plus, because of the encouragement I received with Sibling Intervention I wanted to try my hand at publishing, maybe with SI and maybe with LT. Who knows...?

Regardless, this face lift didn't need competition within my own stories.

Just yesterday, after posting a one-shot I had written out of the blue, a reviewer praised the story before asking about Permission Granted.

Sigh. Anyway.

My random bouts of OCD aside, a part of me was embarrassed for caving to the review craving.

I didn't even know what the point of Permission Granted was when I reread it.

Though, Lady Ruthless was kind enough to say,

"It seems more like an Emma fanfic than P&P"

And, though I truly love Emma, writing Emma and not Elizabeth was not my intention.

I felt just as embarrassed by it as I was by Sibling Intervention when it was over. I had no desire to keep on writing Permission Granted, but I did want to let the plotbunny have its glory day, the idea had merit and I owed the people who liked it enough to want more and give them more.

Hopefully I won't disappoint, though I'm afraid I already have.

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Review spotlight

"I really love the way you write, it's very Oscar Wilde, dry and witty."

- Guest, chapter 2 of Permission Granted

 

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Should I stay or should I go?

Should I stay, or should I go? 

A response to an article and the following discussion

So I came across this article  on the NaNoWriMo facebook group which was followed up by a heated discussion.

If you'v read it, you probably have your stance on it.

If you haven't the outline is as follows:

A woman, an active writer in her day, meets her husband and her passion fell by the wayside. She had kids, and a supposedly happy family. Then her mother passed away, and to cope, she wrote letters to her as if she were still alive. This method of grieving sparked her writing bug to return with a fervor.

Her marriage and family life, as a consequence, fell by the wayside this time - she reports that her husband was used to going to bed at night without her and she was often ill-tempered and depressed when she wasn't writing; certainly not the right temperament to be raising two small children.

Torn between pursing her dream of writing and neglecting her duties at home she eventually decided her family was better off without her and left.

Her kids were understandably upset, and many went to calling her a Runaway Mother.

She abandons her family - self titled was the declaration, all in pursuit of her dream and her chance to be published.

In the thread, most agree that the mother was selfish for leaving. Kids are a lifetime commitment. Her parents must have sacrificed their dreams for her, she should do the same, etc.

And I agree.

Many parents have sacrificed a great deal for their children. Many have the capacity to love so much that they would do anything for their family. She admits that her mother would've been upset at what she had decided to do, but she knew either borne out of selfishness or because she knew she lacked that "nurturing, motherly gene" that she wouldn't change and eventually her husband and children would resent her, she left.

Some argue that she should've taken her children with, her dream could certainly balanced with taking care of her children, shouldn't it?

Yes, I understand that children need their mother.

But they also need stability.

When she left her family, she went towards an uncertain future - working full time, writing full time; there would be no time for her children there with her and I highly doubt she had the financial resources to provide for them - her now ex-husband was definitely the breadwinner.

The argument though that the "Children need their mother" angered me.

Children need their father too.

If he had left, certainly this discussion would've been different.

The fact that people say she should've just stayed married and with her kids, says a lot to me. This woman was clearly miserable - perhaps it was the weight of choosing to be a wife and a mother first and abandoning herself, and then the added load of having her own mother pass, but staying married just to prevent her kids being from a "broken home"?

There was another article in which she describes being a monster to her kids.

She decided that her kids being around her, in the state she was in, was no good.

A broken home, as some have said, is better in situations when mother and father either can no longer co-exist or one's presence has a detrimental effect on the family. And to my understanding, that seemed to be the case with hers.

Besides stating that she'd been a monster to her children, five weeks after the divorce, her husband had a new girlfriend.

It may have been because her obsession with writing had eclipsed everything else, and so for the husband to move so soon afterwards isn't surprising - he may have been finding a way to move on long before the divorce was even a thing to be dealt with, I don't know, and neither does anyone else, but there it is.

In my comment on the thread, I said that I thought the woman did something a lot of people never do - she followed her dreams.

Yes, she did hurt people, her kids and herself - she regretted the decision to some degree, she missed her children, she missed seeing them every day and having them in her life. But she saw them when she could, she visited them as often as she was allowed, and in the end, she was happier, she felt whole.

Personal happiness, one would argue, is selfish especially when weighed against the lives of your children.

But for anyone who was raised by a parent suffering from depression, this is a big deal.

If you've ever been sad, constantly down on yourself, filled with self-loathing and short tempered to practically everything in your life, you're like a bomb waiting to go off.

Personally I think it was the right decision for her to leave.

Sure there were other ways to deal with this situation of hers, but the article reads as if she was handling this all on her own either due to fear of having no one understand her and judging her (which is happening right now) or because she never found anyone to confide in and trust with the heavy burden of whatever personal struggle she was going through.

And despite the internet's best efforts, and thousands of people feeling similarly and sharing such thoughts in some way, an outsider and indeed another person suffering through the same torment, wouldn't feel the exact same pain - pain, and handling pain is different for everyone.

If I ever have kids, personally, I don't think I would ever leave them.

Sure, it sounds like I support her move. But that's because it seems to have worked. Her husband is happy, her kids are happy, and she's happy, something they might not have been before she "abandoned" them.

By the way, the title of the article? Really sensationalist.

If she had abandoned them she wouldn't have stayed in contact, she wouldn't have made arrangements to spend time with her kids, and I think the negative connotations with that word have spurred most, if not all, the heated responses towards the article.

Again, if the husband had left and had "abandoned" his kids, the discussion would've been different.

One thing I value most when people share such intimate stories is that those reading it aren't doing it to judge the person's choices, they're reading it to get a new perspective and take away something from the story that made an impression on them (good or bad).

Unfortunately what I got was the opposite.

But what can you do, really?

Anything and everything you say can and will be judged, but I wish people would drop the pretense of "not judging but...", it's both irritating and hypocritical. Yes, if it struck a cord with you, I understand your need to state your opinion and what you would do in the same situation, but persecuting someone for the choices they've made in theirs?

You don't live their life. You don't know their struggle. You can read about it all you want, but you'll never be able to feel what it is they've felt or know exactly what pushed them to make the choices they've made.

The story ends on a seemingly happy note, so why do you have to bring someone down when it's apparent that the choice, though unpopular, was the right one?

As I said on Facebook:

Isn't it so easy to say you don't judge, but when the topic is controversial, suddenly you know everything about what's going on in a person's head?

What you would do in the same situation is irrelevant, if someone is sharing something sensitive, it isn't your place to judge their choices.

For the discussion on the NaNoWriMo group regarding this article CTRL+F and type, "Why I abandoned my young family".

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NaNoWriMo: The true struggle begins

NaNoWriMo:

Update

When Real Life invades, and I'm sure you know what happens next...

Day Four

This was an important test for me - not only was it a practical exam, but also the first day that I would be taken away from my laptop and I wouldn't be able to write. 

And GUUYS, it was hard af.

Not only did I completely tank my exam, I felt so depressed coming home that I lay in bed for almost three hours. THREE HOURS. Wasted. Because of a crappy exam. 

I didn't want to be around anyone or do anything.

And suffice to say, I looked at my laptop from my position on the bed, and cried some more. 

I'm pretty far in word count considering I started a day late, but that doesn't excuse the fact that I almost purposely missed a day to write.

But all was not lost - after spending three hours being a useless lump in bed and watching series to make myself feel better (and eating because food fixes all the world's problems), I decided that I needed a way to cope.

And arguably, it was the most productive writing day I had, clocking in at 4000words by the time I turned in for bed. 

Throughout the day, before I had gotten down to writing, I couldn't talk to anyone without getting upset, but my characters helped, and writing was a great way to deal with the crappiness I felt.

By the time I saved the document I was feeling all kinds of better, and even apologized to my boyfriend for my crappy mood (apologizing to anyone is the last thing a person experiencing a crappy day wants to do) but by that point, I almost forgot about my bad exam. Almost. But that's besides the point!

Writing has proven to be a comfort and a real method of dealing with life for me. 

This wasn't the first time, but it normally took a lot to get me to write during my "sad" days. 

Thankfully a depleted word-count was enough initiative to get me typing away and fixing myself up for the next day's exam.

Source

Day Five

It was yet another practical that awaited me and yet another day that life would invade resulting in my writing time cut short. 

However, the exam went well in my opinion, I certainly felt better about it then the last exam, and so I spent the day celebrating with series and food - yes, I realize how I celebrate and how I am when I'm sad is about the same, but it works for me. 

Sadly, this did not apply to my writing time.

I clocked up only 1k at the end of the day, long enough that I hit the necessary word count for the day, but hardly enough considering my previous days. Still, I was satisfied with the little I wrote. 

Between writing though, I posted on the NaNoWriMo threads for help with some research and was told of something I just had to check out - the majority of the reason why I didn't write more than yesterday was because I ended up youtubing fight scenes (and a couple of trailers...by the way Big Hero Six, Minions and Penguins of Madagascar? CANNOT WAIT TO WATCH IT).

It was largely thanks to the NaNoWriMo group on Facebook pushing its members to hit the 8, 337 words to get us up to speed, that  I successfully got there and then some before I turned in for the night.

Day Six

Unlike the two days before, I got up early to write a bit before I had to get ready for college to take another exam - theory this time - and then I wrote a bit more while waiting to leave the house.

I hit roughly 500-800words by the time I left, and when I returned, I spent a large majority of the time preparing for the next exam which would be tomorrow. 

However, even with that more or less done, I got down to writing once more and at 10, 005 words, I was more than happy to take a bit of a break and get to studying again.

Because yes, I am doing yet another exam tomorrow - three in succession truly is a gift. 

But I suppose that makes it fair in some respects, I had previously thought my exams in November would hinder my ability to write but in fact, it encourages it.

Unlike other people doing NaNoWriMo who are juggling work, school and kids, my time has been largely free other than the occasions of studying and preparing my practical things.

And to think, I was so reluctant to take the challenge because of exams, and here I am still writing and keeping up. 

I'm glad I took the leap and decided to join NaNoWriMo this year.

At least at the end, whether I win or not, I can say I took a chance and tried my best to get those 50K words because whatever result, that's more words than I would've had without NaNoWriMo and all its participants helping each other along. 

What I've learnt over these three days is that writing is and always will be a form of expression, whether or not what you're writing relates directly to your life, it will be there for you for as long as you want it to be. And that community is everything - you may be a recluse or someone that doesn't need social interaction to function, but having people you can bounce ideas off and to encourage you will never get old.

These lessons aren't new, but I'm thankful for the reminder.

Source

  

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NaNoWriMo: BAM! Brain juice!

NaNoWriMo

Update 

So it's day three and my brain decided it was time to write - who was I to refuse?

Day Three

I gave up sleep today. For the first time in a long time. 

And if you knew me, you would know how important my sleep is.

At five, the plotbunnies came a'knocking. I refused. 

At five thirty, they were insistent. Still I refused to budge. 

By six, they were all but pounding my skull in until I got up to make the pain go away (oh Myprodol, you light up my life), but by six thirty the plotbunnies - though weakened, continued to whine. 

And begrudingly I turned on my laptop, opened word and stared.

I had no idea what they wanted me to do: I was finally where they wanted me and they said...nothing? Annoyed, I typed a few things down, just to get me started, at first they were random words and then...

The hopeful wish that someone on the NaNoWriMo group could help me with an idea to move the story along was practically pointless, the plotbunnies hurled through the door like a freight train and the words came: gradually at first until time had passed and suddenly...

5000words grinned at me from the bottom of the Word document.

Could it be?

Roughly two hours had passed. Not the fastest I'd ever typed, but I had edited here and there (shhh, the NaNoWriMo gods need never know...) and there I was, the first checkpoint in the 50K word challenge.

I still had a long way to go, but I had reached a milestone in two days, with one day behind.

At this current state, I'm not sure how much I've repeated and whether everything I wrote made sense as a whole, but the word count had gone up and that was the challenge.

As many have pointed out: NaNoWriMo is not a competition to write the next bestseller in thirty days (though damn, what an accomplishment that would be!), but a challenge to write every day. Why though? Why is that important?

On day three of NaNoWriMo, I found out: Writing is an art form that requires an unending amount of discipline.

You can have talent in spades, be coveted as the next J.K Rowling, G. R. R. Martin, Jane Austen, Oscar Wilde or Shakespeare! But that talent is useless without discipline - without practice - without making mistakes and learning.

If those great writers only wrote when they felt like it, they probably wouldn't have created such amazing pieces of work that have stayed with fans for years.

As an author once said, "If a draft takes more than three months to write, trash it and start over."

And you know what would've happened if everyone had to do that? Short answer would be that there would definitely be less books in the world.

The thing is, the writing time for a draft stretches years upon years because we, as writers, get attached to this phrase, this character, this scene, this relationship and editing becomes more painful then it already is.

But we hold on, we procrastinate longer then we should and before we know it, we've wasted so much time and then forgotten why we started. Time passes and then we find ourselves reading an unfinished draft that could've been the next big thing in whatever way you wanted it to be.

Why?

Because we're afraid.

Yet another thing I've learnt from NaNoWriMo is that there's no space and no time for that.

People who've accepted the 50K challenge have dared to reach that goal, as unattainable and difficult as it may be when you're sitting in front of a blank screen with a blinking cursor. They have dared to write, regardless of what it is, to give their ideas words and let other people know what it is that's been picking at their brains.

And I think that's the most amazing thing about NaNoWriMo.

Done by Kat Mallon, taken from the NaNoWriMo Facebook group

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NaNoWriMo: Here is my soul - please don't eat it too fast

NaNoWriMo

It's the time of the year where novels are written in thirty days or less, and where souls are devoured faster then you can say 50K

So yes, I finally took the plunge and signed up for the 50,000 word writing challenge and with a day already wasted in indecision, I spent most of my Saturday trying to get my story up and running. 

For those wondering: I'm writing an original story, one I hope to publish some day, but one I've always put off writing the first draft because seriously: first drafts are beautifully hideous and  loving them is the worst thing you could possibly do which is why I decided my time to write was now - in my nineteenth year of existence, I was going to pen an original story with no previous story background to catch me and characters completely of my own imagination.

I did it before, once, when I was fourteen and let's just say it was a blend of the City of Bones and Twilight which made it horrifying in more ways than one. 

In any case, alongside trying to get to my 50K word count goal, I'll be updating my very neglected blog in order to track my progress: 

Day One 

I saw this somewhere on Facebook and the urge to join in on the challenge niggled.

I had already declined to join in on another Facebook group event called FAGE and I regretted it enormously. 

I didn't want a repeat of that regret, regardless of the fact that I was doing exams (theory and practical, kill me). 

As the day passed by, I came across hundreds of articles on how to get started and how to win NaNoWriMo.

Still, I was hesitant. 

What if I just couldn't do it? 

I posed this question on Facebook and the response was simple: Irrespective of whether you reach 50K, as a writer you'll always win. 1000 words or 50 000words, that's more than you probably would have before.

The next day. I signed up and it began.

Day Two

I was so torn between doing NaNoWriMo, stressing over exams and just generally trying to keep up with life that I had forgotten one of the most important things about writing a story. 

The story.

For hours since I joined up, I wrote and rewrote line after line going absolutely nowhere. On the Facebook group for NaNoWriMo, I posted: All I'm coming up with is brain fart. My first NaNoWriMo is brain fart *dies*

OMFG why did I do this to myself. 

What have I done? 

Noo...I'm not ready...

Hours later while searching through old stories that were ambiguously titled(I have more than fifty "THIS ONE" and "COMPLETE THIS DAMNNIT" documents) and while rereading them, one story caught my eye.

It was a disjointed mess of "fight scene", "chase scene","interrogation scene" and "opening scene 1/2/3", but there was a summary I had wisely written down and it was the story I decided I would finish. 

Once I get far enough I'll let you in on it, but at 2K so far, the story's under wraps. 

Until tomorrow. 

Anyone taking part in NaNoWriMo? Want to buddy up for the writing? How's your experience with the challenge? Is this your first time?

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