Book club: The Name Mix-up by LadyandtheTurtleDuck

The names Levy and Lily sound similar when people are drunk. Gajeel knows this.

Book club:

A review of The Name Mix-up by LadyandtheTurtleDuck

Fandom: Fairy Tail

This story was short and fluffy. And sometimes that’s a problem because its easy to be cliché.

But this one?

I’M GONNA SQUEAL.

It was short and sweet, uncomplicated by heavy description or fancy word play – this was bare knuckles, romantic fluff that didn’t destroy Gajeel’s badass character. Only highlighting the fact that he’s secretly adorable.

As it was a short oneshot, there isn’t much else to say other than how the characters themselves behaved and what exactly happened.

SPOILERS BELOW!

 The story takes place at the guild after another round of heavy celebration which is typical of Fairy Tail. (√)

Everyone is wonderfully wasted and in hilarious situations left to our imagination because no one was named or described as the main focus was on Pantherlily, and his attention of his two favorite people: Gajeel and Levy. (√)

Our lovely couple is trying to sleep on the floor because they’re just too drunk to go home and find a comfortable bed so they make do like everyone else apparently. (√)

Gajeel, who in head canon, is a major cuddler, requires his pet cat to make sleeping on the floor less of a pain in the ass and because he’s drunk, he thinks his cat is Levy. (√)

Levy, being in love with him, only struggles slightly before accepting her fate. (√)

The cuteness doesn’t end there, oh no!

If anything, morning afters are just as cute. If you’re lucky.

As usual, Mira is the one to discover them and Gajeel reacts like Gajeel and refuses to believe he initiated cuddles. With three against one, the odds aren’t in his favor and he decides that either Levy or Lily must change their name for the sake of his reputation. (√)

I promise it’s cuter than what my summary is.

But basically everything that happened made absolute sense from setting to character reactions.

What I loved the most was the simplicity of the story – it’s all about Gajeel getting his cuddle on, and how it happened as well as how it was handled when he was caught was done so adorably well, even if it was horribly written, I’d probably still enjoy it.

The dialogue was pretty standard, they definitely sounded like themselves, but the punctuation needed work and when dialogue happened there was an unnecessary need to add He said/She said afterwards.

As for the characters themselves: it was an impressive portrayal considering the amount of cuteness in the fic, Gajeel was still sourly and grumpy, and then just confident and cute at once – my favorite! Lily was pretty basic as was Levy, and Mira made somewhat of an unnecessary appearance, but she was also very familiar.

I loved the story just the way it was regardless of everything I just said above.

There’s your example of a successful fluff fic without over fluffing!

And here’s a word to the wise for those attempting fluff:

KEEP IT SIMPLE AND DON’T LET THE CHARACTERS OVERREACT.

Brownie points:

Gajeel loves cuddles = WIN

Characters-in-character

Health deductions:

NONE. ENJOY WITH CAKE.

Red pen level: 8/10

A few missing words and punctuation missing (a comma or two), there’s also an issue with dialogue, but nothing alcohol can’t fix.

Characterization: 8/10

Plot: 9/10

Kept it simple and took it home for cuddles!

Overall: 8/10

Recommendation:

Clean up dialogue and you’re good to go!

Have you read this fanfiction? Do you think I got it right, or are we going to agree to disagree? Review the fic in question or leave me a line below.

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Book Club: My Little Pony: Friendship is Illogical by Rarity the Sewaddle

“Buttloads” of random characters end up going through a portal and turning into ponies. Yes. That’s it. So far.

Book club:

A review of the first chapter of My Little Pony: Friendship is Illogical by Rarity the Sewaddle

Fandom: Xover – My Little Pony x Pokemon

The review:

I came across this story on a Facebook page for Fanfiction, and since I’ve been on hiatus for awhile, I thought reviewing a story would be fun. I might have shot myself in the foot with an x-over (hint: don’t like them) and with a fandom I’m not familiar with (My Little Pony…seriously, it could’ve been anything really…).

And since it’s the first chapter, there’s not a lot to review except for the technicalities so the bare bones is where I’m going.

Note: There will be nitpicking.

•      Numbers should be spelt.
•       Proper paragraphing. Please.
•        Indicating a person is shouting doesn’t mean you have to CAPS LOCK it to hell. It’s okay really. We get it.
•       Punctuation. Verbs following the closed inverted commas should be in small for example:

“Stop it! You guys aren’t funny!” Exclaimed a new voice.

Should be:

“Stop it! You guys aren’t funny,” exclaimed a new voice.

Or:

“Stop it,” exclaimed a new voice, “you guys aren’t funny!”

Or:

A new voice exclaimed, “Stop it! You guys aren’t funny!”

Even if it is a writer's first story online, I still feel that what you learn in English class applies so I take no mercy when it comes to the structure of a story. Everything else is based on personal preference.

And now, said personal preferences.

The descriptions – there isn't anything memorable or interesting. Only for the character’s appearances and by that I mean what the ponies look like.

What the actual characters look like before isn’t really mentioned it’s simply assumed. Which wouldn’t be wrong considering people would be reading the story because:

• .      They enjoy My Little Pony and Pokemon so therefore have extensive knowledge on both fandoms.

And

• .      They enjoy the two together.  

Still, the extra description wouldn't do anyone too much harm.

There are also action descriptions like falling into the vortex, but it reads like a cliché. The transformation is alright, but it felt rushed.

I thought there would be more Pokemon to be honest. The fact that Ash had gotten Professor Oak to come and see him slip into the portal took nary a page. And the description about the chicken (I assume?) resembling an Eevee? His new form resembling a Ponyta? Superficial use of Pokemon-verse. It might be relevant as Ash is from the Pokemon universe, but it felt tacted on.

If maybe Ash was in a panic/excitement that he thought he was being turned into a Ponyta and he tried to do some sort of attack after his transformation was complete maybe I’d buy it…maybe.

The dialogue is stilted, there’s nothing natural about it. Scootaloo goes from calling Ash a jerk to “wanna be friends?” in the span of a single line.

Obviously I wasn't meant to like x-overs, but my preference stands. The reason being: bringing two (or more) universes together can be tricky and I personally see it as more work on both the author and the readers part to keep up with all the references, characters, setting, etc. This wasn't horrible, but I won't be reading any more x-overs any time soon.

Brownie points: An interesting premises. Maybe. I don’t usually read x-overs.

Health deductions:

He’s going…he’s going; he’s....lost.

Red pen level: 6/10

Punctuation. Paragraphing. 

And please don't shout things in CAPS. I know it's emphasis that the character is shouting, but it hurts my eyes.

Characterization: ?/10

I can only do this for Ash and nine year old him sounds about right…stupidly slipping in a vortex, being overly excited and eager…yes, sounds about right.

7/10

Plot: 0/10

Based on the first chapter, very little is actually established. The character goes through a vortex and becomes a pony. That’s great. And then? It’ll probably be answered in future chapters, but there isn’t any stakes raised or any other kind of plot mentioned.

Overall: 3/10

Recommendation:

Take your time: Describe the universes your characters were in before landing up in Evertree forest and becoming ponies. Describe how they feel and think vividly from their perspective when they transform, imagine having the senses of a pony and attribute it to how your character may or may not have trouble adapting to being something that they weren’t before.

Read dialogue out loud: Think about how you would have a conversation with someone you haven’t met before. You’re lost and confused. Answer from the character’s perspective. Bender, for example, would say something inappropriate or be losing his mind that he’s an animal and not a robot who runs on booze.

Make sense. Please. I still have no idea what the hell is happening, and I realize its only the first chapter, but I took a glance at the second and there’s just more characters rocking up…Princess Twilight can be interested in the human world, but WHY AND FOR WHAT, I’d love to know.

Have you read this fanfiction? Do you think I got it right, or are we going to agree to disagree? Review the fic in question or leave me a line below. 

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Book club - She doesn't Know by Aldia Carmichael

A guy and girl have some couple issues which could’ve been easily resolved if they’d communicated like they should’ve.

Book club:

A review of She doesn’t Know by Aldia Carmichael

Fandom: Card Captor Sakura

The review:

Look, this is one of those stories I might rage on, but probably not a lot. However, I far from enjoyed this story. It was tedious at best and here’s why:

The writing was blunt with simple sentence construction, not a big deal. But for a 3K story? NOOO.

Quick lesson: short, blunt sentences heighten tension so it is assumed that a climax of sorts is to happen in the near future, but it didn’t. Extremely short sentences that go on for any extended period of time with no variation of sentence length can create monotony and dullness if not used correctly. Don’t believe me? Read it aloud.   If you aren’t aiming for tension, sorry for you, you’re gonna get it.

There was a huge lack of depth and connection with the character, not once was the actual characters’ names even mentioned. No adjectives, no scene setting; the whole story was completely blank.

And dialogue? HAH! Not with this.

Everything that happened within the story was explained by the story, there was no subtly – no showing, only telling.

I’m sorry, but the conflict of this fanfic was that she didn’t know that he didn’t do the touchy-feely couple-dealy.

Good, okay, tell me why?

It’s understandable that some guys just aren’t into the whole affection thing.

But in the fanfic it stated that they were together for almost a year. Do you hear me? Almost a year. If he had such an issue with her touchy-feeliness, wouldn’t they have had some kind of conversation about it at some point? Or wouldn’t his ‘lack of enthusiasm’ be clear by then? Maybe she is just as dumb as nails.

I admit I was feeling for her in the beginning, here she was such a good girlfriend…loving, caring, wanting to plan his party and wish him happy birthday first, knowing his mother likes cooking…and here her boyfriend was:  unfeeling, dull, unresponsive…

I was actually really hoping this was gonna be one of those stories where he ‘moves on’ from Sakura, but he can’t recreate that feeling of intimacy with his new girlfriend because he isn’t as ‘over’ her as he likes to think.

But sadly no.

This story ended with cheese.

That ‘conflict’? Resolved with a snap of the fingers.

The part that actually ended the story for me was the fact that he didn’t miss her until he started getting 

bored.



Read that again. BORED. He started feeling lonely. He started missing her loving.

(This gif explains the rate at which this story collapsed on itself) 

And you know what?

HE SHOULD.

This whole thing was because she likes cuddles and he doesn’t, and to try and be angsty about it? NOT IN MY HOUSE (i.e: this blog).

Brownie points: Sad sack loved up female character, check.

She played her role well, I sympathized with her situation even if I thought her choosing not to speak to him was dumb…

Health deductions:

Character disconnect – none of the canon characters’ names were even mentioned. Role as the best friend, boyfriend, girlfriend, father? Yes we know, but how about describing them, giving them actual speaking roles, and maybe mentioning their names?

Fanfiction is about the characters and the situations people put them in, the situation is yours to play with, but don’t forget the characters in the process.

SO MUCH CHEESE – So much actual angst and drama could’ve come from this; it had the potential to be gut wrenching if I could actually feel connected to the characters in some way.

Language up – The writing is simple and being more descriptive would’ve greatly improved it. Also, PLEASE VARY THE SENTENCE LENGTH OMG IT DROVE ME CRAZY.

Red pen level: 9/10

Only because I WANTED SO MUCH MORE. I, as a reader, felt insulted that this story was written the way it was. Is the age restriction of the site 13 or 5? 

Characterization: 0/10

I didn’t recognize the characters at all….the roles I got. Best friends? Tomoyo and Eriol. He? Syaoron. She? Sakura. But description wise and behavior wise? They could’ve been empty, copy-paste insert-characters.

Plot: 5/10

As far as cheesy plots go, it wasn’t the worst, but still could’ve been SO MUCH BETTER

Overall: 5/10

Recommendation: Vary sentence length. Describe the characters and take the time to set up the story. DON’T FEAR THE ANGST!

Have you read this fanfiction? Do you think I got it right, or are we going to agree to disagree? Review the fic in question or leave me a line below.

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Book club - cinderella by envysparkler

Ray and Stella have a conversation on the stands of the soccer stadium one Sunday night. Apparently Stella’s an arsonist and Ray is sensitive.

Book club:

A review of cinderella by envysparkler

Fandom: Lemonade Mouth

The review:

I liked this story. No really.

It has elements of what makes a good story: description, characterization, natural dialogue, actual understanding of the language it’s written in. Seriously, I liked this story.

But I didn’t love it.

There was a lack of actual plot and if there was, I was missing it completely. It was too vague in terms of why Ray and Stella spoke that particular night.

Yes, it was stated that they often met at that time on that day of the week. And I loved that they had a “pseudo-friendship”, but how it came to be wasn’t explored or suggested.  There was an atmosphere of tension in the story, but that tension is never resolved.

“the recent weeks, she had more than enough motive to torch the school down”

That was a hook. But even if you caught readers there, you didn’t pull them in, and that’s where this story turned bad. It fails to answer: WHY.

The Cinderella bit for which the fanfic is named was pretty interesting in the way the analogy was used.Whatever it was (because it was vague) acted as the tower, Stella as the dragon, her heart as the princess and Ray as the prince. I found it slightly misplaced, however, as the conclusion.

Possibly the tone was too serious and though the dialogue flowed beautifully, it sort of alienated me as I read it, like I was eavesdropping on a conversation between friends – hearing things, but never understanding them.

The effect was successful in establishing a friendship between Ray and Stella, but the cause (the reason for this meeting and what they were speaking about) gets lost in translation.

cinderella failed to make a lasting connection, but if the story were continued, this chapter would be the perfect start to a mystery.

Brownie points: Dialogue I believe in! Characters-In-Character! Friendship bracelets! Character lovin'

Health deductions: Say wha…?

The “show don’t tell” rule only works when the readers actually know something concrete in the end. The relationship of the characters was highlighted at the end, but the cause and effect weren’t equal.

Red pen level: 10/10

Holy crap, you beta-ed the hell out of this thing!

Characterization: 9/10

Look too quick and readers will forget its fanfiction…

Plot: 0/10

I didn’t know what it was! (cries)

Overall: 6/10

Recommendation: Clarity is key. Keep it simple and work from there. Ensure a satisfying conclusion by making sure any issues brought up in the story is resolved somehow at the end. In this case, having Ray say, or having Stella know that she won’t be facing the fallout of her arson tendency by herself.

Have you read this fanfiction? Do you think I got it right, or are we going to agree to disagree? Review the fic in question or leave me a line below.

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Book club - Stupid Prediction by gustin puckerman

Ray’s made up sister predicts that he’ll have six kids. To no one’s surprise Ray spawns just the right amount.

Book club:

A review of Stupid Prediction by gustin puckerman

Fandom: Lemonade Mouth

The review:

The story was a fun read with its focus mainly on Ray and his sister’s prediction.

Unlike other stories, Ray and Stella didn’t get together until they both matured which was a nice change. 

However, the shift wasn’t too clearly felt as the story focused more on having the kids come into their lives than the actual growth of the canon characters.

The kids themselves were interesting because they were unpredictable and that was probably why I enjoyed reading about them. Transaction of them ageing up could have been done more smoothly because if I had to read a random section of the story and tell you how old they were and what the current number of Yamada-Beech kids were in existence in that moment, I wouldn’t know.

 One thing I didn’t quite understand was why so many other OCs had to be present.

Ray’s cousin Jack? He could’ve been replaced with Scott, couldn’t he?

Judd? Maybe Wen or Charlie? Even Jules, Patty, Mo or Olivia could’ve been Judd!

Johnson? (Who basically had no purpose) could have been Kevin again.

(Just btw, I had to scroll up and down the story trying to find these people’s names because if you count the kids, this story had more than 10 original characters against the 2 canon characters. The odds are not in your favor.)

In general, the tone was fun and engaging, but more juvenile despite saying that Ray “matured”. 

Brownie points: Interesting OCs

Health deductions:

Potty mouth – I’m not a prude, but when a story has more than twenty swear words for every thousand words, you know Popeye needs to take a seat.

Scene whiplash (ah! My face!) – For every scene change and time shift, it’s usually done with “Anyway”, the lack of flow from scene to scene just hits you.

Red pen level: 6/10

Problems with tenses and incorrect words used.

Consistent length of paragraphs which isn’t an offense, but there’s a sense of monotony which doesn’t work with the tone of the story.

Characterization: 8/10

Takes place in the future so it’s hard to tell how much of canon Ray is retained. Characterization for mature-him is entertaining, but I could still identify canon Ray in his presentation.

Plot: 7/10

Basically proving Ray’s (OC) sister right and the premise is interesting enough.

Overall: 7/10

Recommendation: Actually describing things without the swearing and making me feel like I’m listening to some bratty teenager with all his “whatevs” and “yo”s would be nice.

More canon characters would’ve been appreciated, if there are going to be OCs, its best if there’s 1 OC for every 2 canon characters because making your readers like your story and remember everyone’s role and name in your fic requires going back and scrolling to check if they got everyone down, is waste of time.

The attempt to distance the characters from their actual timeline is understandable, but it’s far from convenient.

Have you read this fanfiction? Do you think I got it right, or are we going to agree to disagree? Review the fic in question or leave me a line below. 

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